Many years ago in a land not so far away, depending on where you live, a young girl was bored. So she sat down at her father’s computer and—lover of words that she was… kind of—opened up word document. That was the fateful day that she found the thesaurus tool: a thesaurus built right into the word document! She had so much fun playing around with it and swapping out words and phrases that she decided to write a retelling… Thesaurus style! And, thus the first Thesaurus Tale was born. After that, she wrote several others, one of which she decided to share with you, on her blog.
Anyway, without further ado, I give you a new twist on an old tale.
Note: to be read in a British accent.
THE ARISTOCRAT AND THE LEGUME
A Reiteration of The Princess and the Pea by Chalice Sleep
Formerly upon a period of time, there existed in a fortification a dejected prince who craved gravely to become united with a mortal. He investigated distant and broad for an appropriate adult female, but none equaled to his preference.
His parents insisted he examine the neighboring realms in search of an eligible female. “You have come of maturity nowadays, male offspring, and you should truly acquire a spouse.” They said.
So he inspected the neighboring realms, but altogether the princesses he came across were overly privileged, or excessively squeamish, or communicative to a fault! So the prince returned to the fortification defeated. He decided to discontinue the operation for the present time, and proceed his life in solitude.
One unilluminated and squally night, the Royal kinfolk were seated together around the open fireplace—which was bare, since it was not wintry in any case—when the Prince detected a distinctive whacking sensation coming from the fortification entrance-way. He hastily got up to witness what was producing such a sense experience and discovered a youthful female erect on the threshold. Liquid dripped from her apparel and hair.
“How may I assist you, adult female?”
“Forgive me, sympathetic sir. I was captured in this unspeakably atrocious atmospheric phenomenon, and I was questioning if you would shelter me in your groovy diggings.” She said.
“Who’s at the threshold, sonny boy?” the Queen bespoke as she moseyed into the entry-way. She scrutinized the drenched fille. “Allow me to negotiate this.” She said, jostling her male offspring out of her path.
The Prince proceeded back to the fireside and before you could say “Jackie Robinson” he was imitated by his female parent.
“She’s getting my decorative Persian floor concealment waterlogged at this precise instant,” She informed the King. “And she claims to be an Aristocrat.”
The Queen wouldn’t accept it. That sodden sheila on her threshold couldn’t be an aristocrat. All the same, she wouldn’t leave her out of doors in the precipitation, so she pussyfooted into the maiden’s impermanent slumber area and situated a solitary legume beneath the mattress of her bed. Then she arranged for her servants to mound nineteen more mattresses on top of the legume and twenty comforters covering the mattresses. Then she had them establish steps so the lass could get into the piece of furniture.
The Queen escorted the “Aristocrat” to her improvised slumbering enclosure.
“Pardon me,” said the damsel when she had hit the sack. “My sniffer is in contact with your lighting fixture.”
The Queen rolled her orbs and had the servants withdraw one mattress, which was a rather extensive operation, and then the young lady traveled back to bed.
The following forenoon, at the breakfast assemblage the Queen inquired how the gal slumbered.
“It was a horrific experience, in truth. I would feel equally if a boulder had been arranged beneath my mattress. I’m contused and injured all over!” The Queen was prompt to terminate her kvetching. “It is exactly as I have foreseen. Only a genuine aristocrat would sense a legume through so many layers of mattresses.”
The Prince came to recognize the Aristocrat a great deal better in the adjacent small indefinite amount of twelvemonths. Presently they became betrothed.
The Queen sought to maintain the legume as a memento, but it turned out that the maestro cook discovered it and unintentionally put it in the stew they provided at the wedding ceremony.
And thusly the Prince and Aristocrat were united in unification and they altogether existed jubilantly of all time and afterward.
(Excluding the Queen. She was nonetheless distressed about the legume.)
Welp, that’s it! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. 🙂
I also learned a new word while I was doing some edits on this:
pootle. verb; UK informal. To move somewhere slowly and with no real purpose: They were pootling along country roads in a very old car.
My brothers and I thought it was pretty hilarious. But then again, we were kind of up late when we read it.
Until next time… Peace out! (Sorry, that was really corny. 😛 ) …And thus, I become the lamest punner ever.